you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
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The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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