ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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