She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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