Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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