i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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