If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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