i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize