he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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