Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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