I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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