i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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