there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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