my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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