So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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