Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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