Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it's great music for shaving your balls
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No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
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I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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