my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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