I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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