Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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