I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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