remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
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I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
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You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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