please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
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I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
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I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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