dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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