Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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