We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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