if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
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Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
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The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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