I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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