I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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