Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
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What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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