I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
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You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
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I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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