just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize