you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
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he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
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I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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