A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize