i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
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I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
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i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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