My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
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A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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