i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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