i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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