Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
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It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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