Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
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OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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