We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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