Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize