the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
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He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
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At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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