FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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