you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
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what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
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So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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