you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You don't make any sense
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