If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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