I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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