There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
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I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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