I want to walk on stilts...naked
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize