the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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